I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
