I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
