just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
