John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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