I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize