Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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