I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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