EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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