last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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