Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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