found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize