yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
