You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
