Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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