Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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