Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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