My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
