I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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