i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
