Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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