wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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