I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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