This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
