You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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