I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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