wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
