i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize