i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I will be naked everywhere
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
