i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
