This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
