I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
