Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
As shirtless as possible
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
