My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize