i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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