I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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