Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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