so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
