walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
