So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
