the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
