oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
