I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
