We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
