I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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