He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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