I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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