God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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