After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize