I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
