bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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