Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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