The best revenge is premature balding
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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