youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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