I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
