$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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