i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
