I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The air was thick with penises
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
