My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
