you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
