I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
