I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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